Karen and John’s 10 Worst Popular Songs with Women’s Names in the Title

Because turnabout is fair play.

The Hubster had some fine contributions to this one, so I had to give credit.

10. “Mandy” – Barry Manilow

I’m sorry, Kenny, but I am not doing this because it is de rigeur to slam Barry. You have to admit that the lyrics are sappy crap shit dung.

“Well you came and you gave without taking
but I sent you away, oh Mandy
well you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today, oh Mandy”

He’s confusing love with the DTs.

9. “Stacy’s Mom” – Fountains of Wayne

Forget the Jerry Springer theme of the tune for a moment.

Just look at the commercial it inspired…

I rest my case.

8. “Gloria” – Laura Brannigan

I always change the first line in my mind to “Gloria, you have the runs now.” It was a coping mechanism left over from my childhood from having to HEAR THIS DAMN LONG OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY!

7. “Delilah” – Tom Jones

Why, why, why record this, Tom?!?!?!?

6. “Annie’s Song” – John Denver

Yes, Kenny, I am a soulless bitch.

5. “Barbie Girl” – Aqua

I know they were trying to be funny, but the product just came out annoying. It’s the Right Said Fred effect.

4. “Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Daughter” – Herman’s Hermits

You wonder why the girl broke up with the guy when he kisses up to her mom and says things like, “Girls as sharp as her are somethin’ rare.”

3. “Iris” – The Goo Goo Dolls (Can’t get link to work, sorry.)

I can figure out many other ways to test if I am alive besides bleeding.

2. “God Save the Queen”

The worst national anthem ever. Pass the Prozac, people.

John quoted Wikipedia’s entry about national anthems, “A national anthem (also national hymn, song etc.) is a generally patriotic musical composition that evokes and eulogizes the history, traditions and struggles of its people, recognized either by a nation’s government as the official national song, or by convention through use by the people.”

He followed up with, “If that’s the case, this country (the U.K.) is dead!”

Check out the video. People were standing, cheering, waving flags…and then the anthem comes on. The ultimate in party pooping.

1. “Clair” – Gilbert O’Sullivan

John introduced me to this horrendous heap of notes this morning. This song is the musical equivalent of water torture with its drip-drip beat. But that is not the worst of it.

It lulls you into a false sense of security. The tune starts out as standard love drivel, but it is revealed later on that he is singing about his niece!

AAAAAAGGGHHHHHH! Freak out! Gross! Puke! Gag!

(Huddles in fetal position and shivers in corner of the room)

Thank you for letting me pass on my mental scarring.

Karen’s 10 Worst Popular Songs with Men’s Names in the Title

My dear friend, Kenny, on his rogue blog listed the 20 best songs with women’s names in the title. To read and comment on this creation, I refer the Right Honourable Readers to the link here.

Top 20 songs with a woman’s name in the title!!!

I suggested to Kenny that he write a list of songs with men’s names. He countered that I should do it here at Le Salon Blanc. Of course, since I am a contrary little shit and would rather judge what’s bad than what’s good, I composed a list of the worst songs with men’s names in the title.

I am sure I will be ripped to shreds for some of my choices. To that, I say, “BRING IT ON, MOFOS!”

10. “Mickey” by Toni Basil

The problem I have is that I know the song is horrible, believe with every bone with my body that it is horrible, and would stake my life on the horror of this composition.

But that does not stop me from actually listening and singing along with it, if it pops up on the radio or VH1. Damn you, Toni Basil and the 40-year-old cheerleaders in the video!

9. “Tom Sawyer” by Rush

Overplayed on MTV the Early Years, overplayed by my brother on his boom box, overplayed whenever anyone mentions the band, Rush. Especially sad since Rush has put out much better stuff, but this is the song everyone knows with its monotone drivel and the beat that puts you to sleep. Bleah!

8. “Rasputin” by Boney M

The reason why I do not have this song higher on the list is the lyrics are so awful that they are marvelous.

The chorus:

Ra-ra-Rasputin
Lover of the Russian queen
There was a cat that really was gone.
Ra-ra-Rasputin
Russia’s greatest love machine
It was a shame how he carried on.

I studied Russian history in college, and I never heard the story of Rasputin put so eloquently and thoughtfully. Thank you, Boney M, for filling in the cracks of my knowledge with such poetry.

7. “Billy, Don’t Be a Hero” by Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods or Paper Lace (Pick your poison.)

This anti-war song was not “Waist Deep in the Deep Muddy,” was it?

I was glad when Billy was shot.

6. “Ben” by Michael Jackson

A bear. A fucking bear.

I am thoroughly convinced that having to sing this song over again turned Michael Jackson into the man he became. Child abuse, people, child abuse.

5. “Robert DeNiro’s Waiting (Talking Italian)” by Bananarama

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDXtM8XaSKw

This is another one of those songs that I want to slash my wrists over because I obviously like it on a subconscious level. It torments me.

Really.

It does.

4. “Simon Says” by the 1910 Fruitgum Co.

I have fantasies of the Who beating up this band backstage someplace. Keith Moon really should have given the lead singer a swirley in the men’s room.

Hell, they only could get two people to watch their video. And judging by their dance moves, they were obviously doing it under threat of familial execution.

3. “Louie, Louie” by the Kingsmen

Yes, it was funny when the Delts sang it in Animal House, but that was it. It was the 1960s version of the white-bred “let’s get up and party song”. Any tune that your dad would dance to at a wedding reception deserves to be on this list.

And I personally do not care what the real lyrics are.

2. “Danny’s Song” by Loggins and Messina

Kenny Loggins should be detained from making music, but that is not my beef.

Nothing wrong with writing a song about your wife and kid, but to make it that sappy and schlocky is only good as an ipecac. Let me put it this way…don’t write a song that Anne Murray would feel compelled to cover.

And for the worst song…

1. “Angelo” by Brotherhood of Man

I think very few people would argue with me about this one. “Fernando” by ABBA was bad enough, but to make a ripoff of it (and chart #1 with it in the U.K.) is absolutely inexcusable. This band also won the Eurovision song contest with their song, “Save Your Kisses for Me”. This only rests my case that nothing good ever comes from that competition.

I dare anyone to watch the video link to the end. I double-dare you! I triple-dog-dare you!

Please feel free to tell me what I have missed. I am sure there are some hideousness that I blocked from my brain in the name of self-preservation.

On the Fringe, but Just as Valid

I am not here to debate evolution.  What interests me is why extreme faith-based beliefs get a larger amount of weight within American society.

In the good old U.S. of A, a person or group could put out a myriad of empirical evidence in favor of an explanation of a natural occurrence, and all you have to say is, “I have faith that you are wrong because (Insert Deity) said so.”  And Constitutionally and theoretically, both parties have equal weight in the discussion.

What got me on this line of thinking?  A conversation with my husband and the following article:

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/08/060810-evolution.html

To summarize, it was about the results of a survey regarding belief in evolution and a comparison among industrialized nations.  In the U.S., this survey stated that 14% of Americans thought that evolution was “definitely true” while 33% rejected the idea.  Only Turkey had more naysayers, percentage-wise.  (There is a bar graph that tells you were your country ranked.)

The researchers attributed these results to 3 factors:

1)  The prevalence of fundamental religious belief

2)  Evolution is an issue that is more politicized in the States.

3)  I am going to directly quote the article, because it puts the idea in a more diplomatic way that I would.  “But, the authors say, studies in the U.S. suggest substantial numbers of American adults are confused about some core ideas related to 20th- and 21st-century biology.”  Once again, our educational system is doing wonders for our public image.

I think there is a historical root to this acceptance of the extreme.

Of course, I have to bring the Constitution into the discussion.  I mean, our Founding Fathers (and, according to the Onion, Founding Creepy Uncles) did not want a state-sponsored religion and all the problems that stem from that.  With this openness and tax exemption, the power of religion in government took the back route through its congregants as officeholders and constituents.  To make a sexist analogy, it basically turned organized religion in the political arena into the stereotypical housewife that is convincing her husband that her ideas are really his.

My husband also pointed out the nature of human beings to take shortcuts and to try to get others to pay for things.  We all do it, and the people who are in organized religion are no exception.  So what we see are fundamentalists who are trying to get their teachings into the public school systems because of evangelistic reasons AND to avoid having to fund their own schools.  Yet another back route to get what they want.

Regardless of how it came about, it leaves us with a huge problem.  How can you come to some sort of consensus, if you can’t agree on the bases of the arguments?  Research and experimentation versus faith?  One speaks Esperanto, and the other speaks Swahili, and there are people in the middle trying to translate both when they know deep down that they don’t have THE definitive answers, despite of what they tell themselves and the world.

Going back to my point about the faith-based counterargument, I think what really bothers me is that “(Insert Deity)” could be replaced with “the voices in my head” in the above sentence, and there is no way to gauge the credibility.  At least the standards of science are more concrete and can give us better educated guesses.  Unfortunately, with standards comes liability when science guesses wrong.  The fringes of organized religion seems to be immune from that sort of liability, so I don’t see why they should have this vicarious power without any corporeal accountability.

Of course, the person of this kind of faith would say that he/she has to be accountable to God, but judgment does not come until you are dead.  That leaves you plenty of time to keep screwing up without earthly consequences.  Doesn’t seem right to me in the cosmic scheme.

For more food for thought, there could also be some tangible negative consequences in trying to create a more theocratic society.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article571206.ece

Religion is such a personal thing.  To use it to control a society can lead to many unintended harmful effects.  Most people get that, but I worry about the ones that don’t.

My Favorite Shooting Death Scenes in Film

I’m an American, so I love gratuitous violence as much as any of my fellow countrymen, especially when guns are a-blazing and ketchup splatter runs rampant on the Big Screen.  Of course, I have some scenes that I prefer more than others. After all, it takes a masterful person to thin the ketchup to the right consistency.

Just let me add a disclaimer here, there will be spoilers.  But I will start each entry with he name of the film.  If you want to see the movie, don’t read the entry.  If you read it anyway, don’t blame me for your lack of self-control.  Got it?  Good.

The Godfather – Who did not enjoy Sonny Corleone (James Caan) getting riddled with bullets at the tollbooth?  As much as a hotheaded asswipe that he was, it only doubled the pleasure of seeing his body wriggling around as if he were being pecked to death by giant chickens.  In fact, adding killer chickens would have been the only thing that would have made the scene better.

The Dirty Dozen –  Victor Franko (John Cassavetes), upon exclaiming that they made it, was gunned down by German fire.  The most brilliant thing about the movie, to me, was Cassavetes’s performance.  I did not realize how attached I became to his character until his untimely demise.  It only made all the more heartbreaking.

Scarface – Have to love Tony Montana (Al Pacino).  Not only did he grab the biggest gun he could find to fend off Sosa’s men, he didn’t even take cover to reload his gun…all while spewing the colorful language that the movie is known for.  With all his bravado on the balcony, a small part of you kept thinking he was going to make it…at least some post-mortem residual firing of his neurons could have taken down about 5 more guys.

The Wild Bunch – Look at the final shootout in context.  The slo-mo bullet hits and stylized body slumping may look trite now, but back in 1969, no one had ever seen a scene like this.  Every director who has ever filmed a shootout since has probably drawn some inspiration from what Peckinpah did in this film.  John Woo pales in comparison.

Raiders of the Lost Ark – Think of the Arab swordsman.  He trained for years to become adept with his saber.  Now, he has a chance to use the skills he spent so much of his time cultivating.  Of course, he has to demonstrate his prowess to intimidate his opponent, Indiana Jones.  But one bullet from Indy ends all of his dreams of being the master and victorious.  My vote for the funniest shooting death on screen.

So what scenes stand out in your mind?  Come on, let us know!

The Numbers Game

ESPN got me into this line of thinking.  There was a story about Chris Johnson, running back for the Tennessee Titans.  (An American football team for our international readers.)  They were discussing how he was on a trend to align himself with Earl Campbell and Eric Dickerson based on a comparison of all three of their stats at the same point in their respective careers.  As far as running backs go, this is great company.

However, the story is basically inane drivel.  How can you extrapolate a Hall-of-Fame career based on data from 2 seasons in the NFL?  What kind of team is giving him support?  How many knee injuries is he going to suffer?  Is he going to do something stupid off-field to compromise his NFL career?   Or will he channel the powers of Brett Favre and have to leave the NFL with record-breaking stats and a stake through his heart?  Don’t know, do we?

Of course, where I am going with this is the tangible versus the intangible.  Have we come to a point where we weigh the tangible (statistics and facts) over the intangible (unknown factors that can’t be measured)?  I don’t mean just in sports.  I mean in an industrialized society.

Which leads me to another example…university degrees.  Let’s say some corporate weenies, unlike my dear husband :),  read articles about how getting an MBA leads to a significant salary increase.  Based upon this publicized information, more people decide to go back to school to get their MBAs.  Now the MBA pool is watered down, and these new graduates are not getting the salaries they expected.  Of course, they don’t.  The numbers they read were based on HISTORY, but they automatically assume that the same trend will continue even with more MBA graduates coming into the workforce.

And these are the people who want to work in business but do not know how to interpret data.  No wonder we are having the problems that we do.*

This is not confined to MBA degrees either.  I have a question for those who attended university.  How many classmates did you have that did not belong there at the time but were sold the idea that college was a step they had to take to make a good living?  There are so many teens who need time in the workforce or doing something else before college.  There are some who should never go to college at all.  But there they are.  I think part of the reason is the perception that career earnings/quality of life is directly correlated to the degree.  Unfortunately, the analysis stops there.  The tangible wins over the intangible, and I truly wonder why, considering I live in the intangible side and would not know how to play with Excel to save my life.  Anybody else have a clue?

*I opted for the liberal arts major, so I knew my bachelor’s was going to be worthless anyway.  But I am such a well-rounded person now.  🙂

Jon and Kenny are gone. Hmmm…now is my chance to perform a coup de blog! Mwahahahaha!

What I Have Noticed on Vacation

The three of us just returned from a long weekend in Vermont with a day trip to Montreal thrown in.  Instead of posting pictures and describing in detail what we did (which I consider just as bad as inflicting a slide show on my friends), I just wanted to share some of my deeper thoughts and observations.  Take them for what they are.

1.  Quebec needs Peruvians.  In the old city of Montreal, there was a busking trio playing traditional Peruvian folk music.  The only Peruvian in the band was the one playing the charango.  The other two guys were white and wearing long, dark wigs.  So if you happen to be a Peruvian musician and want to emigrate to Canada, there is a band who could use your expertise, at least to save money on wig grooming.

2.  In keeping with the odd Caucasian street musician theme, I have a recommendation.  If you happen to be white, please do not perform, “Buffalo Soldier” in public, especially in a horrible Jamaican accent.  Listen to the song all you want.  Perform it in the privacy of your home.  Enjoy it for what it is, but for God’s sake, it is not your story to tell.  Don’t expect people to throw money into your guitar case because you think covering Bob Marley is cool.  You are only embarrassing yourself.

3.  Even more on the embarrassment scale, gentlemen, grow your hair as long as you want.  Have it dragging on the ground behind you.  Just do not twist it up and put in a jaw clip.  Nor should you put it in a scunci.  I don’t care how much you are in touch with your feminine side or how many imaginary vaginas you have, you are sporting hairstyles that belong to women only!  A full beard and stache with a red jaw clip in your head is not an attractive look, trust me.

4. Conversely, ladies, there is no good reason to pay $50 for a one ounce bottle of body lotion.  Just because something is “natural” and is being sold by a woman in Birkenstocks and hemp jewelry does not mean it instantly makes a good beauty product that is environmentally friendly.  You can use something at home at a fraction of the cost that is just as effective.

And one more point…mercury is a natural substance.  I rest my case.

5.  The urge to say, “Moo,” when driving pass a cow pasture turns into the urge to go, “Le Moux,” when crossing over the border into Quebec.  This is coupled with urge to sing, “Alouette”.

6.  It is possible to sell maple syrup, guns, antiques, ice cream, and taxidermy services from the same shop.

7.  5-year-olds find dogs more interesting than international travel.

8.  5-year-olds are also placated by $8.00 buckets of popcorn with their favorite cartoon characters emblazoned on them.

9.  “Beignes” is the French word for donuts.  “Café” is the French word for coffee.  Now you know enough French to be able to eat in Montreal, provided you only go to Tim Horton’s.  It’s easier than trying to eat poutine.

Not an insignificant wealth of knowledge for 4 days away, isn’t it?

Room 101 – “American Woman”

For those of you who don’t know the literary reference, Room 101 is a torture chamber in the Ministry of Love where the victim is exposed to his/her worst nightmare in the book Nineteen Eighty-Four by our favorite life-of-the-party, George Orwell.  It is also the name of a British TV and radio show where celebrities discussed their pet peeves, and the host, whether Nick Hancock or Paul Merton, decided whether said abomination went down the chute into Room 101.  What is fun about the show is the arguments both sides present.  There are episodes on YouTube, in case you are interested.

I thought it might be fun if one of the three of us could bring out our own nominations, and see if we can get the other two to agree send the item down the chute.  Of course, we welcome participation from our readers!  The only constraint I would put on it would be that we can’t do easy ones, like small, yappy dogs, Justin Bieber, or small, yappy dogs that look like Justin Bieber.  We have to stretch ourselves.

So to get things started, I nominate the song, “American Woman,” by the Guess Who, later remade to sound even worse to me by Lenny Kravitz.  I admit this one was particular to me, and it involved the Canadian Air Force when I did a TDY (temporary duty assignment) in Italy.  To make a long story short, I managed to get into a debate with a Canadian airman (let’s call him Cam) about women in combat, and I basically subtly reversed Cam’s own argument by wearing him down point-by-point.  Cam’s buddies witnessed this and started to sing, “American woman, gonna mess your mind.”  It was funny at that moment, but…

They drove the joke to the ground.  I must have heard that damn song sung or played at least 15 times a day, and I am not exaggerating.  I still spew venom when I hear this song, and this was 16 years ago.

Another thing going against it is that most people take the damn song literally, and never bother to figure out that it is a song criticizing the US during the Vietnam era, and not a very good one at that.  To summarize the lyrics…

America, go away.

You are all image.

You have problems.

Fuck off.

You suck.

Fuck off again.

That is some deep stuff there.  I guess Canada is too far away from South America to score the really good drugs.

So that’s is the crux of my argument.  Any lovers of the song want to debate?

Your Kindly, Neighborhood Loner

I have been thinking a lot about friendship lately…how some people define it rather loosely (a Facebook definition), and others have strict standards about who is considered a friend. Some people use gray area modifiers to describe their relationships (work buddy, acquaintance, best friend, booty call), and others have a hard set friend-or-foe view of the world.

I fall into the stricter standards category.  There are pluses and minuses to this.  The pluses are that I weeded out the fluff people in my life, so the people who are left are quite tolerant of my antics and weirdness.  Some even actually enjoy them.  I know these people truly care about me, and there is actual depth to our relationships.

The down side, they are scattered over the world, so I rarely get to actually see them.  This is the main reason I spend so much damn time on the computer.  It’s the best way to stay connected with them, but I don’t get to have parties, go on any nights out, or take turns babysitting kids to have date nights with my husband.  But I don’t have to deal with self-created dramas and conversations about the greatness of the vapid movie of the minute either.

I admit I am in a bit of a conundrum.  Right now, I long to have more people physically present in my life, but when I have the opportunity to meet people, I manage to put them off just by being myself.  Or I suppress 75% of my natural personality to get along with people, only to find the social experience hollow.  Small talk is boring, and talking about deeper issues usually leaves the average person dwelling on insignificant details because they can’t see the bigger picture.

Friendship does not come instantly for me.  I get that.  Being an acquired taste means I have to gradually give them small sips of my eccentricities until they develop the immunity to withstand my conversations about my imaginary penis.  It’s trying to find people who have their own set of pretend genitalia that is so difficult because most people care about how others perceive them.  They have to maintain an image for work or family or the temple or whatever.

Meanwhile, there is me.  I don’t have the constraints of the outside world as much as others do.  The older I am getting, the larger the holes in the bizarre filter.  I should be fun when I am 80.  I fully plan on dancing down the pet food aisle in the grocery store (as best as I can with my hip replacements) singing, “Me So Horny”.  I hope somebody films it and posts it on YouTube, along with my funeral when I am blown up.

So, here I sit with my laptop, spouting some the garbage that is in my head, and just hoping some of it sticks to the gray matter in others, and get a reaction that way.  Until I can find my own environment, that is the best I can ask for.  🙂

OK, opinions needed. Chris Rock described the song, “Livin’ La Vida Loca,” as the equivalent of “Whoomp! (There It Is!)” for Puerto Ricans. I wonder what the equivalent would be for white people. My vote goes to “Song 2” by Blur. Any other ideas?